At our practice, we’re deeply committed to child-led, neuroaffirming approaches that honor autonomy, respect communication, and celebrate neurodivergent ways of being. However, true ethical practice requires honesty about the complexities we face. There are moments when purely child-led approaches need thoughtful adaptation—not because we abandon our values, but because we remain committed to each child’s safety, wellbeing, and developmental needs alongside their autonomy.
This isn’t about reverting to compliance-based methods or dismissing children’s voices. It’s about acknowledging that nuanced, balanced approaches sometimes serve children and families better than rigid adherence to any single philosophy. Let’s have an honest, transparent conversation about these complexities.
The Foundation: Child-Led as Default, Not Dogma
Our starting point is always child-led. We observe, we follow interests, we honor communication in all its forms, and we build on strengths. This approach should be our default because it respects children’s autonomy, reduces trauma, and creates more meaningful, sustainable learning.
However, when we treat any approach—even child-led practice—as inflexible dogma rather than thoughtful framework, we risk missing important nuances that individual children and families need.
Core principles that never change:
- Every child deserves dignity and respect
- Communication happens in many forms beyond speech
- Behavior is always communication
- Neurodivergent ways of being have inherent value
- Family preferences and cultural context matter deeply
- Safety is non-negotiable
- Trauma-informed approaches are essential
Safety Concerns: The Clearest Example
The most straightforward situations requiring balanced approaches involve immediate safety. When a child’s actions pose genuine danger to themselves or others, we cannot simply follow their lead without intervention.
Navigating Safety With Respect
Even in safety situations, we can maintain neuroaffirming principles:
- Use the least intrusive intervention necessary
- Explain what’s happening and why (even if the child seems not to understand)
- Prioritize teaching safer alternatives rather than just preventing danger
- Address underlying needs (sensory seeking, escape, communication frustration)
- Gradually increase independence as skills develop
- Respect that some “dangerous” behaviors may have sensory or regulatory purposes we can address differently
A child who runs toward traffic isn’t making a choice to be hurt—they may be seeking sensory input, trying to escape overwhelm, or pursuing something interesting. Our role is protecting them while addressing these underlying needs, not simply controlling behavior.
Medical Necessity and Healthcare Cooperation
Some children require medical interventions that they don’t choose and may actively resist: blood draws, dental work, emergency care, or necessary examinations. While we can’t make these experiences fully child-led, we can make them more respectful.
Approaches that honor autonomy within necessary constraints:
- Extensive preparation using visual supports and social stories
- Offering choices wherever possible (which arm, sitting position, what comfort item to hold)
- Validating fear and distress rather than dismissing feelings
- Using comfort-focused positioning rather than restraint when possible
- Debriefing afterward to process the experience
- Working systematically on medical cooperation skills during non-crisis times
Skill Development for Future Independence
Sometimes children need to develop skills they wouldn’t choose to practice in the moment but that will expand their future autonomy and independence. This is where balanced approaches become most nuanced.
The Independence Paradox
A child may resist tooth-brushing practice in the moment, but developing this skill prevents painful dental problems and increases long-term independence. Similarly, a child might prefer to avoid crossing streets, but learning this skill expands their future freedom and autonomy.
Key considerations:
- Is this skill truly necessary for the child’s future independence and wellbeing?
- Have we made the learning process as respectful and engaging as possible?
- Are we honoring the child’s pace while still maintaining forward progress?
- Have we addressed underlying barriers (sensory issues, motor challenges, anxiety)?
- Does the family identify this skill as a priority?
- Are we building on interests and strengths wherever possible?
The difference between respectful skill-building and coercive compliance training lies in our motivation, methods, and flexibility. We’re not teaching compliance for its own sake—we’re building genuine capabilities that expand life possibilities.
When Preferences Conflict With Wellbeing
This is perhaps the most challenging area: when a child’s immediate preferences seem to conflict with their longer-term wellbeing. A child might prefer to eat only three foods, engage in self-injurious behavior when distressed, or avoid all social interaction.
Approaching Complex Situations With Humility
We must approach these situations with tremendous humility, always questioning whether we’re truly supporting the child or imposing neurotypical expectations.
Critical questions to ask:
- Is this truly harmful, or just different from typical development?
- What underlying needs is this behavior serving?
- Are there respectful alternatives that meet the same need?
- What do autistic adults say about similar experiences?
- Is there trauma or unaddressed pain influencing this behavior?
- Have we eliminated environmental barriers and stressors?
Many behaviors we historically “treated” in ABA were actually healthy coping mechanisms, communication attempts, or expressions of neurodivergent neurology that didn’t need changing. We must constantly check our assumptions about what requires intervention.
Family Context and Cultural Considerations
Families exist within cultural contexts, practical constraints, and value systems that we must honor—even when they differ from our own perspectives. A family’s priorities, resources, and cultural background appropriately influence our approach.
Partnering With Families Authentically
True family partnership means sometimes adapting our ideal child-led approach to meet family realities:
- Working parents who need their child to tolerate car seats for essential transportation
- Cultural expectations around greetings, mealtimes, or family participation
- Safety requirements in home environments we can’t fully control
- Sibling needs that require some behavioral boundaries
- Family stress levels that influence capacity for certain approaches
This doesn’t mean abandoning neuroaffirming values. It means finding creative solutions that honor both the child’s neurological needs and the family’s practical realities.
School and Community Participation
Many children need to function in educational and community settings that aren’t ideally designed for neurodivergent learners. While we advocate for systemic change, we also recognize that children may benefit from developing some flexibility to access important opportunities.
Balanced approach principles:
- Advocate first for environmental accommodations and modifications
- Teach flexible coping strategies rather than forced conformity
- Honor that some children want to participate in typical settings
- Respect when children prefer alternative educational models
- Address sensory and regulatory needs as priority over behavioral compliance
- Work toward genuine inclusion, not just physical presence
Transparent Communication About Our Approach
When we need to adapt our child-led approach, we owe families transparent communication about our reasoning, methods, and ongoing evaluation.
Essential transparency practices:
- Explaining why we’re recommending a particular approach
- Discussing alternatives we considered and why we chose this path
- Setting clear criteria for success and reassessment
- Inviting family feedback and concerns
- Remaining open to changing course if our approach isn’t working
- Acknowledging uncertainty when we’re navigating complex situations
We should never hide behind jargon or claim certainty we don’t have. Families deserve our honest assessment, including acknowledgment of situations where we’re making our best professional judgment without perfect answers.
Red Flags: When “Balanced” Becomes Harmful
While balanced approaches can be appropriate, we must remain vigilant about practices that claim to be balanced but actually violate neuroaffirming principles.
Warning signs of inappropriate practices:
- Forced eye contact or other neurotypical social norms
- Punishing or extinguishing self-regulatory behaviors (stimming)
- Using hunger, thirst, or bathroom access as motivators
- Physical restraint or seclusion except in genuine emergencies
- “Compliance training” for its own sake
- Ignoring child’s clear distress or communication
- Claiming outcomes matter more than the process
- Dismissing autistic adult perspectives on harmful practices
The Role of Ongoing Assessment
Balanced approaches require constant evaluation. We must regularly ask whether our adaptations are truly serving the child or whether we’ve drifted into practices that prioritize convenience or appearance over genuine wellbeing.
Assessment questions:
- Is the child showing signs of increased anxiety, withdrawal, or distress?
- Are we seeing genuine skill development or just situational compliance?
- Does the child’s communication suggest this approach is helpful or harmful?
- Would autistic adults view our methods as respectful?
- Are we addressing root causes or just suppressing symptoms?
- Is this approach sustainable and leading toward greater autonomy?
Learning From Autistic Adults
The autistic adult community provides invaluable guidance about which childhood interventions were helpful versus harmful. We have a professional and ethical obligation to listen to these perspectives, especially when they challenge our assumptions.
Key insights from autistic advocates:
- Many “normalized” behaviors came at tremendous psychological cost
- Forced compliance often created trauma that persisted into adulthood
- Teaching masking without addressing underlying needs caused harm
- Ignoring sensory and regulatory needs led to burnout and mental health challenges
- Some adaptations to neurotypical environments were helpful when taught respectfully
For resources on autistic perspectives, visit the Autistic Self Advocacy Network and explore writings from autistic scholars and advocates.
Moving Forward With Integrity
Committing to child-led, neuroaffirming practice doesn’t mean we’ll never face complex situations requiring thoughtful adaptation. It means we approach these moments with humility, transparency, and unwavering commitment to each child’s dignity.
Our ongoing commitments:
- Default to child-led approaches whenever possible
- Use least intrusive interventions when adaptation is necessary
- Maintain transparency with families about our reasoning
- Constantly evaluate whether our adaptations are truly helpful
- Center autistic perspectives in our decision-making
- Prioritize long-term wellbeing over short-term behavioral outcomes
- Acknowledge uncertainty and remain open to course correction
The Path Forward
At Committed to Kids ABA, we believe that honest, nuanced discussions about balanced approaches strengthen rather than weaken our commitment to neuroaffirming practice. By acknowledging complexity, we build trust with families and demonstrate that our values aren’t rigid ideology but thoughtful, child-centered principles.
For additional perspectives on ethical ABA practice, explore resources from the Association for Behavior Analysis International and research on trauma-informed approaches in developmental services.
Every child deserves support that honors who they are while building genuine capabilities that expand their future possibilities. This is the work—complicated, nuanced, and profoundly important.
Have questions about balanced approaches in neuroaffirming ABA? Contact our team at Committed to Kids ABA for transparent, thoughtful discussions about how we can best support your child’s unique needs and your family’s priorities.