Let’s be honest: if you had a dollar for every time someone gave you unsolicited advice about your autistic child, you could probably afford all those therapies insurance won’t cover.
“Have you tried yoga?”
“Maybe they just need more discipline.”
“My cousin’s friend’s kid had autism and they grew out of it.”
“Have you looked into essential oils?”
When you’re already exhausted, overwhelmed, and walking on eggshells every day, this kind of “advice” isn’t just unhelpful – it’s draining.
Here’s how to handle it without burning bridges or exhausting yourself further.
Why Unsolicited Advice Hurts (And Why People Keep Giving It)
First, let’s talk about why this advice stings so much when you’re already doing everything you can.
The Hidden Messages You Hear
When someone says “have you tried…?” what you often hear is:
- “You’re not doing enough”
- “This is fixable if you just tried harder”
- “I could do better if it were my child”
- “There’s something wrong that needs fixing”
Even when they mean well, unsolicited advice implies that you haven’t thought of the obvious, haven’t done your research, or aren’t trying hard enough. And when you’re already drowning in information but still feeling lost, this feels like salt in the wound.
Why People Can’t Help Themselves
Understanding the psychology helps (a little):
They’re uncomfortable: Your child’s autism makes them uncomfortable, and giving advice makes them feel like they’re “helping” and can leave the conversation feeling useful.
They genuinely think they’re helping: They heard about something that worked for someone else and truly believe they’re offering a solution.
They don’t understand the complexity: Unless they’ve lived it, they can’t grasp that autism isn’t something you “fix” with the right diet, discipline, or YouTube video.
This doesn’t make it less annoying, but it helps you respond with less emotional energy expenditure.
The 3 Types of Advice-Givers (And How to Handle Each)
Type 1: The Well-Meaning But Clueless
Who they are: Friends, family, acquaintances who genuinely care but have no idea what they’re talking about.
What they say: “Have you tried [insert random thing they Googled]?” or “My neighbor’s kid had a speech delay and now they’re fine!”
Strategy: The Gracious Redirect
Scripts that work:
- “Thanks for thinking of us! We’re working closely with our team and have a plan in place.”
- “I appreciate you wanting to help. What would really support us is [specific thing you need].”
- “We’ve explored so many options already. What we need most right now is understanding.”
Why it works: You acknowledge their intention without engaging with the advice. You redirect to what you actually need (or gracefully exit the conversation).
Type 2: The Know-It-All
Who they are: People who think they understand autism because they watched a documentary or read an article. They’re confident in their opinions despite having zero experience.
What they say: “What you really need to do is…” or “I read that autism is caused by…” or “If you would just…”
Strategy: The Boundary Setter
Scripts that work:
- “We have a team of specialists who know our child. I’m not looking for advice right now.”
- “That’s an interesting perspective, but every child is different.”
- “I’m sure you mean well, but we’re not open to advice on this topic.”
- (If they persist) “This conversation isn’t helpful. Let’s change the subject.”
Why it works: Direct boundaries without over-explaining. You’re not rude, but you’re clear that the conversation is over.
Type 3: The Judger
Who they are: People who think your child’s behavior is a parenting failure. They believe discipline, structure, or “tough love” would solve everything.
What they say: “They just need more discipline” or “You’re too soft on them” or “Back in my day…”
Strategy: The Exit Strategy
Scripts that work:
- “We’re not going to agree on this. Let’s talk about something else.”
- “That doesn’t work for our family.” (Then literally walk away or change the subject)
- “We’re doing what’s best for our child with guidance from professionals.”
- (If they won’t let it go) “This conversation is over. We need to go.”
Why it works: You don’t engage with the judgment. You don’t defend yourself. You simply end the conversation. These people aren’t worth your emotional energy.
When to Educate vs. When to Walk Away
Here’s the hard truth: you don’t owe anyone an education about autism. You’re already exhausted. Spending emotional energy teaching people who may not even be receptive isn’t your responsibility.
Educate When:
- ✅ The person is important to your life and willing to learn
- ✅ You have the emotional bandwidth
- ✅ They’ve shown openness and respect
- ✅ It’s someone who interacts with your child regularly (teachers, caregivers, close family)
- ✅ You sense genuine curiosity rather than judgment
Walk Away When:
- ❌ You’re already overwhelmed or exhausted
- ❌ The person has shown they’re not receptive
- ❌ It’s someone you rarely see
- ❌ They’re being judgmental or dismissive
- ❌ You’ve tried before and nothing changed
- ❌ Engaging will cost you more energy than it’s worth
“Your peace is more valuable than their understanding.”
7 All-Purpose Responses (Copy and Use These!)
Save these in your phone. Memorize them. Use them when you’re too tired to come up with something on the spot:
1. The Gracious Exit
“I appreciate you wanting to help. We’ve got a good team supporting us.”
2. The Boundary Setter
“We’re not open to advice on this topic, but thanks for thinking of us.”
3. The Reality Check
“Every child with autism is different. What works for one doesn’t work for all.”
4. The Redirect
“What would really help is [specific support you need – babysitting, meal, listening without advice].”
5. The Professional Card
“We work with specialists who know our child’s specific needs. We’re following their guidance.”
6. The Polite Shutdown
“I can tell you mean well, but we’ve got this covered.”
7. The Hard Stop
“This isn’t a conversation I’m willing to have. Let’s talk about something else or I need to go.”
What to Do When It’s Family
Family dynamics make this even more complicated. You can’t always walk away from family members, especially if they’re involved in your child’s life.
For Family Who Need to Be Involved (Grandparents, Siblings):
Try the “Curious Learning” approach:
“I’d love your support. Can I share some resources about how autism works in our child specifically? It would really help if you understood what we’re dealing with.”
Then provide ONE simple resource (article, video, or our downloadable guide).
Set clear expectations:
“When we’re together, here’s what would help: [specific behaviors]. Here’s what doesn’t help: [unsolicited advice, comparisons, judgment].”
Limit exposure if needed:
Shorter visits, structured activities, or taking breaks when it gets overwhelming are all valid strategies.
For Family You Can’t (Or Don’t Want To) Educate:
- Use the scripts above and change the subject immediately
- Have a partner or friend run interference (“We’re not discussing this today”)
- Limit visits to occasions where you can leave easily
- Accept that some relationships may need distance for your wellbeing
Protecting Your Energy
Here’s what matters most: You don’t have to explain yourself, defend your choices, or educate everyone who has an opinion.
Permission Slips for Overwhelmed Parents:
✓ You’re allowed to end conversations that drain you
✓ You’re allowed to stop answering questions about your child’s diagnosis
✓ You’re allowed to keep your strategies private
✓ You’re allowed to distance yourself from people who add stress
✓ You’re allowed to prioritize your peace over other people’s curiosity
✓ You’re allowed to ignore advice from people who don’t live your reality
What Actually Helps (Tell People This)
If someone genuinely wants to support you, here’s what you can tell them actually helps:
- “Listen without trying to fix it” – Sometimes you just need someone to acknowledge how hard this is
- “Offer specific help” – “Can I bring dinner Tuesday?” beats “Let me know if you need anything”
- “Learn about autism” – Read articles, watch videos, educate yourself instead of making me do it
- “Don’t compare” – My child isn’t like your neighbor’s cousin’s kid
- “Respect our boundaries” – If I say I don’t want advice, please respect that
- “Show up” – Include us even when it’s not perfect. Invite us even if we can’t always come
Remember This
You’re navigating something incredibly difficult while people who don’t understand it offer opinions about how you should do it differently.
You’re already doing everything you can with the resources you have while feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and walking on eggshells every day.
You don’t need more advice. You need understanding. You need support. You need community with people who actually get it.
And you’re allowed to protect your energy by not engaging with people who don’t provide those things.
You’re the expert on your child. Full stop.
Get More Support
Need more strategies for handling the challenges of autism parenting? Download our free resources designed specifically for overwhelmed parents:
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- Join Our Community – Connect with parents who actually understand
What’s the worst advice you’ve received? Drop a comment below – your story might help another parent feel less alone!
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